Previously, I resigned to relying on amphetamines to accomplish anything. I experienced anything other than that, like pushing myself, as too painful and unrewarding: “If I reap no pleasure response, and the difficulty is so immense, there is no point in doing it at all.”
I don’t know exactly what’s different, but I’ve learned to accomplish from the minimal amount, upward, and though I’m not euphoric while doing so, I’m satisfied to be achieving something rather than nothing. I’d rather carry the cross to the summit than drop to the ground and wallow.
Part of my inability to get anything done with consistency or ease was my perfectionistic neuroticism and its counterproductive design. The regulations and restrictions I’d place on myself demanded rigorous, continuous exertion which would inevitably lead to exhaustion and then anticipatory dread, which, unsurprisingly, ended in…giving up.
I took Jordan Peterson’s advice into myself: start by doing it badly. No one had taught me that, at least not in a way that resonated and stuck with me.
I’m an avid reader, but in the past, I’d be lucky to finish even a few books per year, if any.
It is mid-April 2018, and I am halfway through my 24th book of the year.
Because I taught myself to negotiate with myself. I taught myself that one foot in front of the other is better than standing still and lamenting my inability to run a marathon.
It’s not perfect. My physiological avolition, if it’s even to be granted attention, is still there. It doesn’t hold the power I used to think it did. I am not inherently damaged into inertia. My stagnation is a holistic problem, onion-layered, and I have only begun to explore and untangle it.
My newest life-affirming addition is a daily jog. It helps me write 🙂
Don’t close yourself off.